"how much you trust, is your personal insurance"

Friday, May 31, 2013

You know how they always say that you should 'trust no one but yourself'?
From personal experience with previous partners, I can say that that is very, very true.

People are always constantly changing and can be very unpredictable. You can't predict or say for sure that you know a 100% what their next move is. You definitely can't predict the future, and especially when your trust is dependent on another person, you can't expect for everything to turn out as how you envision it to be.

Which is why, how much you trust someone will be your own insurance for your future.

For me, personally, I would say trust someone you love 90% (if it's a stable relationship). If it's fairly new, maybe start with 70% and move up from there, on your own terms. But even after you get married, never ever move that trust up to 100%.

WHY? Because even the nicest, sweetest men have the capability to cheat or go astray. Yes, even your soulmate. Humans are free creatures with free wills, never forget that. No one owes you anything, not even your own parents. So if you end up heartbroken, you have no one to blame but yourself.

How many times I've heard my girlfriends tell me "I can't believe he would do this to me", "I didn't know" and more commonly, "I trusted him". It's sad, but true. I've been there myself, quite a number of times too.

I'm currently dating my boyfriend JY (or usually referred to as Panda), who's a very sweet and caring person, and who adores me and bestows all his attention upon me. He was my friend for 5 years (from 2006) before we got together a year ago. We are very much in love, but as this is only the beginning, who's to say in 5 years' time he wouldn't do something that could change things between us. What then?

As someone once told me, PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN CURE.

I am very involved in his life as he is in mine. Whenever he isn't with me, I'd still WANT know of his whereabouts all the time, and he makes it a point to let me know where he is and what he's doing without having me to ask. (This was the deal we made to each other before agreeing to get together in a serious and committed relationship.) If he's going out with friends or colleagues, he'll tell me who he's going with and where they're heading to. (If he doesn't I'll ask him straight out.)

You would think that it sounds like a very miserable and 'controlled' relationship but it isn't. He's happy to do it if it benefits our relationship. He doesn't feel in any way forced to do it. And just so you know, it goes both ways. If you still think it sounds like a 'controlling relationship', then maybe you're a guy with serious commitment issues and you should first think about your own life before you judge mine.

Know when to put your foot down.

Say, if he wants to go for some beers at Deutchess' with his high school buddies (most of them are married, and I know them), I'm cool with it. If it's to some sleazy bars or to dodgy KL clubs, I'll put my foot down and say NO. Whether he goes ahead or listens to you, shows you just how much you can trust him, and where your relationship stands.

If he has nothing to hide, he would not get mad.

I had dated someone once who would get mad whenever I look into his phone. Of course, because his secret messages to a secret someone are all in it. So girls, know the signs. Currently, I allow my boyfriend to look into my phone and I don't give a shit if he scrolls through my messages or Facebook (as long as he doesn't hijack it with stupid status messages) and I'd go through his if I feel like it, whether he's around or not. If there is nothing to hide, nothing to get defensive or mad about.

"All these work in the beginning stages of the relationship, but what about later on when he starts to get more comfortable and starts to not do the things he used to do for me?" 

Answer: Constant vigilance.

Haha, okay so I pulled this phrase off Harry Potter (famous words of Professor Moody) but there's nothing more accurate than these two words. You make sure he keeps the end of the bargain. If he forgets to let you know where he is, remind him again about your deal to each other. Don't let him off the hook because it is human nature to slack, and if he sees the chance to slack, he will and so will your relationship.

Just like when you go to work. If you're an hour late once, it's alright. If it happens twice, your superior should give you a warning. Let's say if your superior didn't. You would then start to think it's okay to be an hour late (because there are no consequences) and so you will start going in one hour late every day from then on. Maybe, if you're feeling brave, you might try for two, then three. You get the gist of it.

Men are the same (applies to some women too). If there are no consequences, do you think they'd refrain from doing something? No, they won't.

"But I trust him with all my heart and soul and know he will never do me wrong." 

Don't make the mistake of thinking like that. If you TRUST him with your all, does that mean you will give him your bank account passwords or your life savings for safe-keeping? NO, you won't, right? And you shouldn't. Could you trust your man to be locked up in a room with two gorgeous models for a week and TRUST that nothing will happen between them? I know I wouldn't. So why even allow that kind of situation to happen in the first place? You're not controlling him if you don't allow him to go to places with temptation. You're watching out for your own and he should know better when he decides to commit in your relationship, otherwise, why promise to commit? DON'T BE SO NAIVE.

'Trust has to be earned', they say. Not really, you just need to learn how to trust wisely.

For example, I trust that my boyfriend will have my back if someone in our circle decides to bad mouth me. I TRUST that he would defend me. However, would I TRUST him to go out with an attractive female colleague for a friendly dinner and movie? HELL, I WILL NOT.

I'm not being insecure, I'm just protecting my investment - which is my heart. Hence why I will not allow him to be put into a situation that could have many different outcomes, whether intended or not. It could be an innocent get-together, and she might not have any intentions towards my man. But then again, she also might. So why take the risk?

The mistake most men make are thinking that they won't get caught. 

They think this way, because their wives/girlfriends are not being constantly vigilant. They TRUST too much. Then shit happens and they cry and say, "I trusted him". No one is to blame but themselves for not being vigilant enough to keep their relationship.

Which is why I make it a practice for him and myself to always keep each other in the loop whenever we're doing our own things. At least if even if he wants to cheat in future, it would take a lot of work to slip out of my sight. It would be tough for him to meet someone in a hotel, for example, without me knowing. Even if it happens, at least I can say I tried, rather than 'I didn't see it coming'. One thing about men when it comes to cheating, if it takes too much work and has too many consequences, they wouldn't bother because it wouldn't be worth it. There, problem settled, thank you very much.

Of course as his life partner, you need to play your part too - and not just keep a hawk eye over him all the time, you should keep up your own end of the deal as well.

My recipe for a lasting relationship is gratitude, affection and always saying 'I love you'.

Never take someone for granted, be it 3 years, 5 years or 10 years. Always be grateful for the one person that made your life whole for those long years. Affection is free, so there's no harm in giving it out constantly. Little gestures like touching their hair, grazing their skin or holding their hand can make a difference. And always say those three magical words and mean it. Let love be the first and last words out of your mouth.

And, constant vigilance. (just needed to add that there) :p

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